I didn’t visit CF for the last ~ two weeks, and basically came back yesterday to read some posts. I specifically read a bunch of the anon24 posts on social dynamics, primarily from the Super Fast AIs Thread (Super Fast Super AIs [curi.us post] - #15 by Lebowski) and then I read all the other responses anon24 wrote to Andy Dufresne’s posts. Reading them made me kind of uncomfortable but also I wanted to read more stuff like that. It was a weird mixed feeling.
Then I read some more today and came across this part of one of anon24’s post:
I think anon24 is right about this and I felt disappointed in myself once I read it. Then I felt even more disappointed in myself when I realized that my first instinct was to go read the CF things I said I’d read and then post about them. I was disappointed about that because it made it very clear to me that if anon24 didn’t say what they said, I might have taken another two weeks to read the CF stuff I said I’d read, or maybe I would just never have done them.
In fact, this specific visit of mine to CF today (like 20-30 minutes ago) was because I wanted to make a post asking about honesty and why small lies are bad + my guesses as to why they are bad for me, even if telling small lies saves me face with my manager or whatever (I’ll still make that post and put the specific example I was thinking of there)
The point of mentioning that post idea is that I have a pattern of saying I’ll do something, and then not doing it, and then coming back later to ask about something else and acting as if the promise I made just didn’t exist. I had completely forgotten about my CF promise until I saw anon24 mention it, which means I clearly didn’t prioritize it well enough. I can do the CF posts now, and I’m sure I will eventually, but I should eventually do something about the root cause issue(s) (which I don’t even really understand but am just guessing about). Why do I say I’ll do stuff and then not do it? Should I put in some conscious effort to track all of my promises on a spreadsheet and basically only make one or two promises at a time and consciously make no more promises until I fulfill those promises (especially because my promises should start out as relatively quick things that I should do, e.g. read this article and write about any problems you face with it. otherwise just write that you had no problems and you liked it or whatever. then move on to a slightly bigger CF learning task)
I think I should do that so I will make that spreadsheet right now and finish the rest of this post when it’s done.
As I was making this spreadsheet I went to go find my specific promise to write it down and I realized I had completely misremembered my promise. I thought I had promised to read the CF stuff I linked, but actually Elliot gave me better direction and I had promised to watch the Max Tutoring videos and/or start with the Yes or No Philosophy summary. So even my memory is completely misleading when it comes to this stuff and it’s all the more reason I should add structure to my tasks and manage myself and my projects better with stuff like reminders, spreadsheets, written goals etc. I’m bad at project management but this seems like a good way to start to practice the basics of it by managing myself at small tasks and projects and staying on track, or at least noting when I go off track. and why.
So it took maybe 5 min to put this together, but here it is:
There’s more I wanted to say but I feel like I forgot much of it. One thing I wanted to say after making this spreadsheet is that I don’t think the spreadsheet addresses the root cause of me not doing what I said I’d do. The goal is for me to start learning CF and see what problems come up. In this case, a problem came up before I even started learning CF, otherwise I would have just started reading or watching the stuff I said I’d read/watch. I don’t know how to introspect to identify the problem, but it might just be that I don’t think CF is that important even though I say it is. If that’s true, I don’t know why I say something I don’t back up with my actions. I should just be able to say that I think CF is not important, but even now I don’t like the idea of saying that. I want to think that CF is important but based on my actions I can’t support that I do think that…
I also think there’s this problem with me where I seem to do activity in spurts, where I might energetically read a bunch of FI/CF stuff and write about it/comment on it, but as soon as I start receiving criticism or some time passes or something, I seem to not stick with it and just stop doing it or slow down massively. It’s like a series of honeymoon phases and then no interest, and if I thought CF was really important I’d be doing it as consistently as I do my job or play videogames or something like that.
The other thing is I seem to be more passionate about this stuff when I don’t commit myself to it. I’m thinking of specific examples in the past where I committed to learning something specific in FI but then stuck with it for a day or two before fizzling out. And yet I’ve spent lots of time reading things I never promised to read (however reading those things didn’t fit a pre-set goal, so they were likely not addressing any bottlenecks or specific problems, they were just interesting/fun to read). This is bad and I think it means I’m committing to stuff before I understand why it’s good for me. If I fully understand why it’s good for me to learn CF, I’d be doing it and I wouldn’t procrastinate or forget about it, even if I hadn’t written it down in a spreadsheet. So the spreadsheet is a tool to address the symptom but I think the underlying problem might be a lack of understanding why something is good for me. Maybe the solution is to try to surface my doubts to myself in words so I can write them down and turn them into questions for CF members. That way I can have those doubts addressed consciously instead of fooling myself into believing I’m OK with what I promised and then walking away and realizing by my actions two weeks later that I clearly was not OK with what I had promised. I still don’t consciously know why I didn’t start learning CF immediately like I said I would. Why did I choose other stuff specifically? I’ll need to do some introspection, and maybe that means writing down all the things I did instead of CF over the last two weeks and checking with myself if I think consciously that CF is more important than any of those things, while acknowledging that based on my actions, CF was not more important to me than those things since I chose those things over CF.
I’m guessing I’m going to consciously beat myself up for playing a bunch of videogames and not dedicating at least 1-2 hours of that videogaming time to starting CF instead. Btw, I think I consciously believe that being disappointed in myself and beating myself up are both not good things for learning, but I’m trying to be honest with myself and you all about my emotional reactions. I want to learn not to be disappointed in myself but still objectively take the right moves moving forward, but for now I think being disappointed at least helps me e.g. write this post, and make the spreadsheet, and hopefully start learning CF and follow up on my promise two weeks late, even if I’m maybe doing it for the wrong reasons (because anon24 reminded me rather than of my own volition).
I’m also concerned that I might be writing this for social reasons, like why have I put so much time and effort (well time, maybe not effort because I’m just writing as I think and not summarizing to save other people time or editing it down to just the main points. So I might be wasting other people’s time by writing so much and not condensing it using more of my effort) into this post rather than just e.g. learning CF or something else? maybe I feel like I need to save face once anon24 called me out or that I need to address it, but I might be getting defensive and going overboard with the steps I’m taking. I want to learn to be this serious about my learning and take very concrete steps towards it without someone having to remind me or criticize me first. (e.g., why didn’t I just make this spreadsheet at the beginning of this process? I guess I didn’t assume I would drop this and forget about it, but I should have known that’s my pattern given it’s happened at least 3 specific times in the past that I can remember with FI learning)
Anyway, idk if the steps I’m taking are good enough, but I’m hoping they’re in the right direction. Thanks for mentioning my broken promise @anonymous24. I owe you for getting me back on track and maybe if this sticks and I improve how well I keep promises I make, and make better promises in the first place by understanding what I’m committing to better and asking more questions beforehand, I can point to you as at least the catalyst that helped me get there with your post mentioning me. All the social dynamics stuff you wrote was interesting and scared me a bit because it probably applies to me a lot too. I look forward to reading more of your posts and thanks for writing them.
Btw, feel free to criticize my project planning on this post/thread, since I just read about that new rule in Friendly saying that’s ok if the poster agrees to it. I think some of my biggest barriers right now to learning CF (and maybe just biggest problems in life in general?) are due to poor project choice and planning, so I want to get better at that and get better at liking the projects I choose while still choosing the right ones or at least good ones over e.g. playing way more videogames than i probly need to or just “getting busy” in a generic way that isn’t really being busy but just ignoring stuff i should be prioritizing if i knew better/had noticed and addressed my underlying doubts or problems better
… Also I said I’d think more about spending the $129 on the Goldratt material stuff but I haven’t thought about it more, nor have I bought it yet. So idk, something’s wrong with me because I just drop a bunch of promises and forget I even made them. I should respect the promises I make, even if they are literally only to myself, because ultimately I should care about my own goals and progress and should hold myself accountable the same way CF community members hold me accountable. Adding that to the spreadsheet now.
I also said I wouldn’t take on more commitments but I started hosting an ARK server and have enjoyed tinkering with the mods and settings and updating it and stuff, which is clearly a commitment and another thing I’ve added to my plate when I’m already overloaded and I should really be cutting back on responsibilities/time commitments/energy commitments. So I think I have a pattern and problem of major overreaching and adding stuff to my plate without considering my goals and needs consciously.
I don’t like being so flawed in so many different ways but I’ll leave it at that or I’ll be here writing for the rest of the night. It’s best if I start working on fixing my flaws, but I think I’m more wallowing in self-pity instead, which is unproductive or counterproductive by itself, so whatever positive actions I can take are what I’ll keep trying to take to move forward and not get stuck for too long
Edit: Just skimmed over my post and realized that me saying I’ll still write the post about the honesty question is literally another promise, so I added it to the spreadsheet. I’m starting to see just how quickly I stack up promises without even meaning to and it’s a bad habit imo. Maybe this is part of general overreaching.
Here’s the updated spreadsheet, and I tried copy-pasting it this time instead of taking a screenshot since Elliot mentioned I should use quotes of text instead of screenshots. I extrapolated a bit to assume that if I can paste some excel cells here and it formats OK as a table, that’s preferable to a screenshot cuz people can then copy paste text to quote it in replies and stuff.
| Action | Frequency to try to do |
Reminder Date | Deadline? | Goal | Deliverable |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Read Yes or No Philosophy Summary | Daily | 2021-09-28 | 2021-09-31 | Start learning CF Note down any problems |
Post about problems or no problems. write comments on the material (Don’t have to read all of it to write this post) |
| Tutoring Max Videos | Daily | 2021-09-28 | Don’t know | Start learning CF Note down any problems |
Post about problems or no problems. write comments on the material (Don’t have to watch all of it to write this post) |
| Think about Eli Goldratt $129 Materials Research software to dl the videos |
Weekly | 2021-09-31 | Don’t know | Start learning marketing from people better than J. Stark |
Decide whether to buy it or not or to put it off consciously for more time to decide Have some research done on software to download Goldratt videos |
| Write short CF post about my questions and comments re: honesty and small lies |
Daily | 2021-09-28 | 2021-09-31 | Keep promises Learn about honesty Feel more comfortable telling the truth even when it feels risky |
Have the post ready, or a draft of the post (If it’s a draft, post it and say it’s a draft so that you don’t put off posting it. default to action) |
I really like that the formatting seems decent from the copy paste and it even kept the bold in the titles!
I would like to be able to change the cell size so e.g. 2021-09-31 doesn’t wrap downward but im really sleepy now so I might mess with it later (I do not want to add the promise of me experimenting with fixing this table as another task to the spreadsheet which is the only reason I said “might” instead of “will”. Just shows how casually I say I’ll do stuff if I’m not paying conscious attention to this habit)