I was watching Love Island, and contestants tend to get upset when they are not someone’s first choice to couple up with. This happens in the real world too. People feel bad when they don’t feel like they’re someone’s first option. I think there are scenarios in Love Island and in the real world where it makes sense to feel uneasy about not being picked first, and other scenarios where it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be someone’s alternate choice.
On Love Island, some of the main goals of the show are to explore connections with multiple islanders, find a match and last as long as possible on the island without getting voted off. If your couple is the most popular, the audience will vote for you split a $100,000 prize at the end. There are reasons where it could be viewed as bad not to be someone’s first choice here. For example, what if they choose you second only because they don’t want to get eliminated? You’re not their type, and as soon as someone else comes in who is their type they’ll dump you, leaving you single and vulnerable to getting voted off. I can understand why someone would not enjoy being in that position.
In some scenarios it would be bad to be someone’s first choice on the show and irl (in the real world). What if the one who chose you first did it because his criteria is shallow? Maybe you were chosen because you have the biggest breasts and it just leads to you being objectified and not feeling cared for as a person. What if as soon as someone with bigger breasts comes in, they choose to pursue that person instead? People are fallible and often times have bad ideas when it comes to what things they should prioritize in a potential partner.
There are scenarios where it’s potentially a good thing to be chosen second on the show or irl. What if Emily had Dan as the first choice because she learned they’re both from Texas and assumed that would lead to other commonalities that would make them compatible. Then she talks to Dan more and realizes she was wrong. She doesn’t feel a spark and they really don’t have much in common. So she starts exploring Tom from California instead. Tom and her hit it off, and she realizes she likes Tom and wants to pick him as her match instead. If Tom likes her too, but says no only because his ego is bruised from not being her first pick, this seems wrong to me. Especially if Emily explained to Tom why she picked Dan first. Tom could potentially be ruining a good thing because he’s stuck on being the second choice, regardless of the reason.
In the real world there are understandable reasons to feel bad about being someone’s second choice too. For instance, what if a person is dating you only until the person they really love moves back into town in two years? If your goal was to plan a long future with them and get married, that would be a sucky situation to be in.
In conclusion, sometimes it’s reasonable to think it’s bad being someone’s second choice, and sometimes it’s not. People often have bad ideas on what would make a good partner or don’t even know what they want. Whether or not it’s bad to be someone’s alternate choice depends on the scenario and rationality helps you identify the scenarios where it is or isn’t.
Not reading ahead, my first thought is there are two very different meanings to not being someone’s first choice:
Not being someone’s first choice when you’re strangers and they are guessing, based on only a little information, who they would like.
Still not being someone’s first choice after they’ve gotten to know you. (If they got to know their other choice, this is a problem, and if they prefer a stranger over you, that’s also a problem.) This most commonly happens because their first choice rejects them or is unavailable (otherwise they’d pick that other person).
People’s initial preferences and preferences after getting to know each other shouldn’t reliably be the same thing.
Yeah that should be fine. First choices matter more for people who are more focused on appearance instead of personality or values.
Fyi, my goal here is to become a better writer and thinker. I want to be able to write good essays, preferably engaging ones, but writing style comes secondary to reasoning well and making good arguments.
I wrote this mini essay on my phone in under an hour, and did close to no editing, no looking at a Thesaurus (so a lot of repetition of the word “scenario” for example. I couldn’t think of a synonym on the spot), and spoke out loud about the topic before writing it down. I figured it would help me find out what’s automatized for me when it comes to writing versus what isn’t.
I’m looking for feedback and criticisms of the ideas presented in the article, as well as criticisms of the writing structure, style or anything else you notice and think is relevant. If you think I’m not ready to hear a certain criticism (like you think it’s better that I not focus so much on grammar errors right now and focus more on quantity) then say that.
Exactly. I think a lot of people get upset with 1 and 2 almost equally though, without good reasons why they feel that way.
For two, I can imagine super rare scenarios where it could not be much of a problem that they got to know both of you and you were still their second choice. Like if Emily has gotten to know Dan and Tom equally, and still chooses Dan first because he’s taller and she wants to show him off to her friends. But then, she has an awakening two weeks later and stops valuing certain things she valued before, and realizes Tom is the best choice for this new version of her. Then it may still be reasonable for Tom to date Emily if she is a good fit. That almost never happens though.