Isn't it a horrible thing, to be afraid to give someone an idea

I have resisted posting things in the past because I was afraid of giving someone (particularly Elliot) an idea. I did this because I thought that saying too much would hint enough (of an idea) that other people might publish it before me. An idea that I wanted to be mine. I withheld discussion (usually on matters that I didn’t understand well) and withheld it from people who understood more than me.

Isn’t that awful? For me and for CF?

Isn’t that a terrible thing for me to think about all of you and CF? That if I said too much, then I would not be credited? Isn’t it terrible to doubt that this community, of all communities, would give proper attribution? I feel like I’ve betrayed you all, secretly.

Isn’t it horrible that I (or anyone) would willfully withhold ideas for the sole purpose of… what? Jealousy? Envy? Neither fit very well. One part that’s missing is something like (for lack of a better word) sedition. I wanted to preemptively get one up on Elliot.

Is that malice? Not quite, but it’s close. It’s definitely not good.

I think I was secretly embarrassed and ashamed of that – I feel embarrassed and ashamed writing this now. I hid those feelings and motive from myself and CF. I have (sometimes) realized that I was doing this, but I don’t think I’ve ever shared anything about it. I knew there was a problem and I hid it.

I think having an attitude like that is a problem; I started writing this post as a way to resolve that problem. A way to explore it and convince myself that I was wrong. Because it must have been wrong. This most recent time I thought it, I knew that it was wrong. When I thought it in the past, I didn’t know it was wrong, or I refused to believe it.

Spelling it out like I have (to me at least), I think I’ve convinced myself. How could those feelings, those thoughts, be Good? Or Right? Or Moral? I don’t have an answer. I don’t think there is an answer, because those ideas aren’t Good. Those sort of thoughts, they don’t come from a good place. They come from an egotistical, self-serving, social-climbing type place.

Maybe it sounds like I’m beating myself up. Or being too harsh on myself. Or something like that. If so: know that I’m writing in this way for a reason. I want this post to be focused. I don’t want to water-down this problem. I want to understand it. I want to overcome it. I want to be better than I am. Is that not reasonable? If so then I think this post is reasonable (but not enough).

The goal in life is progress: to make things better now and in the future.

That quote is the first line of Elliot’s overreaching essay, out of how many lines? I didn’t have to look far for a closing quote. My closing quote; his opening line.

With regards to inspiring pioneering ideas in others: I should be so lucky.


… If that ever happens; shouldn’t I be proud? If I were to help Elliot have an idea?

That seems more fitting.

Are we not all on the same team? Maybe I should act like it.

People go through life hiding lots of negative thoughts from others and also lying to say positive things. Besides avoiding conflicts, they seem to want the option value of pretending to get along with others. Like if you tell everyone you’re their biggest fan, you might get some generosity from them.