I have resisted posting things in the past because I was afraid of giving someone (particularly Elliot) an idea. I did this because I thought that saying too much would hint enough (of an idea) that other people might publish it before me. An idea that I wanted to be mine. I withheld discussion (usually on matters that I didn’t understand well) and withheld it from people who understood more than me.
Isn’t that awful? For me and for CF?
Isn’t that a terrible thing for me to think about all of you and CF? That if I said too much, then I would not be credited? Isn’t it terrible to doubt that this community, of all communities, would give proper attribution? I feel like I’ve betrayed you all, secretly.
Isn’t it horrible that I (or anyone) would willfully withhold ideas for the sole purpose of… what? Jealousy? Envy? Neither fit very well. One part that’s missing is something like (for lack of a better word) sedition. I wanted to preemptively get one up on Elliot.
Is that malice? Not quite, but it’s close. It’s definitely not good.
I think I was secretly embarrassed and ashamed of that – I feel embarrassed and ashamed writing this now. I hid those feelings and motive from myself and CF. I have (sometimes) realized that I was doing this, but I don’t think I’ve ever shared anything about it. I knew there was a problem and I hid it.
I think having an attitude like that is a problem; I started writing this post as a way to resolve that problem. A way to explore it and convince myself that I was wrong. Because it must have been wrong. This most recent time I thought it, I knew that it was wrong. When I thought it in the past, I didn’t know it was wrong, or I refused to believe it.
Spelling it out like I have (to me at least), I think I’ve convinced myself. How could those feelings, those thoughts, be Good? Or Right? Or Moral? I don’t have an answer. I don’t think there is an answer, because those ideas aren’t Good. Those sort of thoughts, they don’t come from a good place. They come from an egotistical, self-serving, social-climbing type place.
Maybe it sounds like I’m beating myself up. Or being too harsh on myself. Or something like that. If so: know that I’m writing in this way for a reason. I want this post to be focused. I don’t want to water-down this problem. I want to understand it. I want to overcome it. I want to be better than I am. Is that not reasonable? If so then I think this post is reasonable (but not enough).
The goal in life is progress: to make things better now and in the future.
That quote is the first line of Elliot’s overreaching essay, out of how many lines? I didn’t have to look far for a closing quote. My closing quote; his opening line.
With regards to inspiring pioneering ideas in others: I should be so lucky.
… If that ever happens; shouldn’t I be proud? If I were to help Elliot have an idea?
That seems more fitting.
Are we not all on the same team? Maybe I should act like it.