The particulars can vary a lot. I think @anonymous45 posted a list that I mostly agree with in terms of specifics, but only as examples.
Broadly speaking though I would say that the way equal/fair marriages look similar is largely around their communication, including stuff like cooperation/empathy/consent/support/planning. The specific details can vary wildly. I think anon45 was right to mention asymmetry such as one partner being disabled. I would guess that basically all marriages are going to be asymmetrical in various ways, because people are unique and have different strengths and interests.
Looking at specific concrete details such as “who is doing more chores” is not a very good indicator for a couple reasons: different chores could be more or less costly for different people, there can be many unseen tasks that don’t get properly tallied as chores (sometimes called “emotional labor”), and the breakdown of chores can change drastically over time.
Instead, when considering chores, it should be more like: are both people happy with the chore arrangement? If one person has an issue, can they safely raise that issue and have a productive discussion about it? If they are struggling, can they expect to get help from their partner?
IMO the exact breakdown of tasks within a partnership is largely irrelevant if the above is done correctly. But this also means I may have a harsher view on the next question.
Pretty uncommon. Even people who may superficially have an equal marriage are often failing. Like, they try to have an equitable task distribution but then they often struggle with feelings of resentment, frustration, or other negative emotions around their expected tasks/role. And asking for help, asking to change roles or tasks, etc. is difficult for them. People are afraid to have those discussions because they lead to arguments, or more resentment, or other bad outcomes.
One good sign would be if both people in the relationship are typically proactive about solving problems and getting stuff done. If you ask your partner “what’s for dinner?” it had better be because that partner previously indicated they were implementing a dinner plan tonight. If they didn’t, then why are you asking them? Is it their job to always figure that out? Why aren’t you suggesting a solution you think will work well or something?
Another good sign is if the people in a marriage are comfortable talking about commonly considered “difficult” topics (could be money, or stuff to do with having/raising kids, or long term plans and life events, or medical issues.) Also, if they routinely resolve disagreements in a way where both of them feel that they were heard and their concerns were taken seriously.
The latter. Most marriages are probably unequal/unfair, but a lot of them only in various small ways that are hard for people to identify. And a lot of marriages that are just a bit unfair are probably still above average, positive, worth having, etc. The best those people can reasonably do right now. But still, perhaps, a bit unfair.
For example: Both people think they do approximately equal work, would say as much, and largely believe it.
But the wife does more emotional labor by reminding her husband to do the stuff he committed to, or organizing things in their life to make his tasks easier, or by being supportive of him when his tasks are too much and wearing him down. And the wife knows this subconsciously and feels some resentment and frustration but has no concrete issues to bring up. If she just says she feels uneasy or has some discomfort about their relationship equitability, it will not go well because she has no clear suggestions to fix things, so she holds her tongue so as to not make her husband feel bad with no resolution..
That scenario does not require abuse. The husband could not only be non abusive, he could be basically nice and good. He could be genuinely trying to do a good job and be an equal partner. The problems could be more due to something like assumed gender roles rather than specific individual bad behaviors. Or a mix of both.
Almost all of them are unfair.
It’s been years since I watched it, but offhand I’d guess that the main long term marriages in Parks & Rec are more fair than most. Leslie & Ben especially, but possibly also April & Andy, Ron & Diane, Garry & Gayle.
They’re still flawed people. It’s a sitcom, they have problems for purpose of TV plots and such. But the long term marriages tend to involve people who genuinely support each other and communicate fairly well and do not typically put undue burden on their partners. I think that show is very noteworthy in how those marriages are portrayed compared to a vast majority of other TV shows.
The spouses seem to genuinely grow together, improve, and solve problems together without lots of fighting. “The husband and wife get into a huge argument over X issue” is not a standard plot point. And the spouses match energy well, largely dodging the thing where one spouse is a lazy sloppy ditz and the other spouse has to constantly support them.
I suspect if I rewatched it looking for this specific topic I’d still find inequalities and issues. But the show gets a special mention for being much better than most.