Yeah if someone can find plausible complaints about women that are equally bad or worse compared to the complaints about men I’ve been sharing, let me know… A lot of the plausible complaints about women that I’ve seen are just not as bad.
r/AskFeminists: DAE find those “haha bf/husband has to wash the dishes because gf/wife is strong” jokes sexist?
DAE = does anyone else
I think it’s brave that she stood up for herself. Many in her position probably would’ve worried that doing that would lose them the job (and maybe even get them blacklisted?) and so idk if most people in her position would’ve been as defiant as her. I’d assume most people wouldn’t be willing to risk their career or risk ruining their dream of becoming an actress. If I’m right that most people acquiesce to such demands, then that implies that this kinda stuff is much more widespread (since presumably most people don’t speak up about it or publicize it).
Also, the guy who passed the blame to management (saying it “came from higher than me”) is an example of someone not being defiant and not speaking up. Also, if it’s true that it “came from higher”, then that fits in with ET’s idea that our current elites are lousy.
It also reminds me of something I read about Roman women on Wikipedia. Apparently in ancient Rome, women would deliberately compress their breasts because big breasts were viewed negatively. I just looked it up now to double check:
Based on Roman art and literature, small breasts … were the ideal body type for women considered alluring by Roman men. … Large breasts were mocked as humorous or a sign of old age.[173] Young girls wore a strophium secured tightly in the belief that it would inhibit the growth of breasts
The breasts of a beautiful woman were supposed to be “unobtrusive.” … On the Roman stage, exaggerated breasts were part of the costuming for comically unattractive female characters
I find it interesting how social expectations (or whatever you’d call it) change. It reminds me of something ET said about the ancient Greeks viewing a big penis as barbaric/primitive or an indication that one’s reason could be easily usurped by passion (or something like that). Whereas today having a big penis is viewed as good and people are insecure about having a small one. In fact, there’s an entire conspiracy theory in South Korea where some men view themselves as victims of a conspiracy to mock them for having a small penis.
Btw, thanks for sharing links to interesting stuff you find. I appreciate it. I’ve enjoyed your feminist posts.
If nobody engages with or discusses the links you share, I suppose you’ll be less inclined to share more links in the future:
So I’ll try to comment a little bit more on stuff you share if anything occurs to me. (Though I can’t promise since I’m not always overflowing with stuff to say.)
Wow, that’s astonishingly low (the stats on SA victims going to trial and getting justice). I actually found it hard to believe so I got an LLM to look it up via Perplexity and it said (LLM’s bold):
The claim from the TikTok is roughly in the ballpark, but the exact numbers vary depending on how you measure and which country’s data you’re looking at.
According to RAINN, ~2.5% of SA results in incarceration.
I wonder if there should be an exception to laws against filming without consent in the case of showing potentially relevant stuff to juries. One downside is that perhaps people could abuse it to film others and then claim that they suspected a crime.
r/TwoXChromosomes: Tonight a man I did not know put his hands on me at a party and I am disgusted by the reactions of the men and the women who were witnesses
OP in case it gets deleted
A friend (34M) invited me (30F) out to a large birthday party because there was a live band there. It was mostly older people in attendance (40-50’s range) no one I knew, but I had nothing going on and wanted to see some live music.
My friend and I went into a side room to have a conversation. I had only had one beer, everyone else seemed pretty inebriated. There were other people in this room, but it was much quieter. A drunk man (probably late 40’s) walks up behind me and slaps both sides of my lower back and yells, “I know you!” in my ear (I had never met this man before in my life). Even if he did know me, the way he touched me would be uncomfortable. The vibes were slimy, off, and creepy just from that short interaction.
My friend immediately gets up and freaks out, telling him where he gets off putting hands on a woman, to back the fuck up, mind his space, etc. The man says he knows me, to chill out, it’s fine. My friend says, “so what’s her name, then?” The man, dumbfounded goes, “ask her!” This man’s friends come to defend him, telling my friend to calm down, that it’s fine, he never touched me.
I say, “yes, he touched me, and it made me uncomfortable.” A man looks me dead in the eyes and says, “it’s not like he twisted your boobies or something,” while making the hand motions along with it.
Another woman said, “well, it’s his birthday. So you can’t talk to him like that.” My friend then went up to someone else, who I think owned the property, and began yelling about the incident, refusing to keep it quiet. The woman who made the birthday comment was already there, saying he never touched me, she was there.
My friend’s girlfriend even said, “it just sounds like he thought he knew her.”
I wasn’t saying it was assault, but when I said it made me uncomfortable I was treated like I was accusing him of something and over reacting. The fact every single man and woman in that room besides my friend automatically just was like, “this is my friend, so it’s okay for him to act like this.” I am never setting foot around these people again.
Though my friend was drunk and was a bit more aggressive about it than I was comfortable with at the time, I’m so glad that he stood up for me. I’m just so disappointed in what happened.
Edit: Clarity
Second edit: I think it’s the people’s reactions that are actually getting to more than the actual touching. The fact that people create safe spaces for creeps and harmful spaces for women, and some of those people are women themselves breaks my heart. What happened tonight wasn’t particularly traumatizing on the scale of the things that I’ve dealt with, but the reaction and enabling was terrifying to see in real time and in such an overt way.
Top comment:
The wild part is how fast everyone closed ranks to protect the guy instead of listening to the woman who was actually touched. People will bend reality into a pretzel rather than admit their friend did something creepy. That whole group showed you exactly who they are.
I think blaming it on that specific social group is wrong because it’s widespread.
Another comment:
This experience highlights why so many people stay quiet.
The people who are supposed to be supportive - are dismissive, disbelieving, or defending the perpetrator… It’s like being assaulted all over again.
SA is very isolating. Which is the exact opposite of what helps a person heal - healing requires support from friends, family, and community… But that’s not what SA survivors get …
Some of these issues are pretty common for other types of victims too. “victim blaming” is common for both SA and for other stuff.
I haven’t thought through the right way to change the law, but it does make sense to me to allow videos of SA in court even if the accused didn’t consent to being filmed (and the video wasn’t taken by a cop or private investigator, and maybe there are other exceptions, but victims filming themselves ad hoc as a defensive measure seems reasonable in general).
1 Like
r/TwoXChromosomes: Women who have left their husbands, are you happier post divorce??
OP in case it gets deleted
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 19 years. For the last 8 years, I’ve been increasingly unhappy for so, so many reasons.
Way too much to write out, but the main problems are his lack of attention and care to our children and me. He spends almost all of his free time on himself and his hobbies. Last night he was up to nearly 5 AM in the basement tinkering with hobbies. I came downstairs at 4:30 AM with baby to feed and change and he didn’t even notice.
He doesn’t help me with the children after work (he WFH and doesn’t travel much). He always has a reason to not play with the kids or help them with something (but he’ll take 30 minutes per poop scrolling on his phone).
He puts forth effort into relationships with other people but refuses to do that with the kids and me. He claims he doesn’t know what I like or what to make me for a nice breakfast 2x a year (Mother’s Day & birthday).
I put everything I have into my kids and I also help take care of other family members when they need a hand.
He refuses to ever put down his phone or tablet or get off his laptop despite pleas from me and our oldest child.
He gets angry too easily with the kids and my oldest gets angry or upset after most engagements with dad.
I do everything for the kids - teach them, feed them 3x/day + snacks, bathe them, take them to medical appointments, bedtime routine, discipline (nothing crazy), nap times, etc.
It’s a thankless job but that’s okay. I just want him to help me when he’s not on the clock. He never knows what to do, though. Doesn’t know what the kids like or dislike.
If I have to leave the house, which is rare, baby will be in soiled diapers and clothes with a diaper rash, late to eat a bottle, toddler won’t have napped, and toddler and oldest won’t have been fed. Happens EVERY time. I’m so frustrated.
And in my opinion, he doesn’t like women because I found a treasure trove of disparaging content about women this past summer. A number were very disturbing to me.
Way more but I can’t go on forever describing things. We’ve been together for a very, very long time.
We’re like roommates, except I do everything and still get berated over having a messy house but he doesn’t attempt to help, he just says I need to do it.. but with what time or energy??
So.. all this to say, if you left an angry, clueless, less-than-helpful, woman hating husband.. are you actually happier after leaving? I can’t seem to get past the financial ruin and upheaval of our kids’ lives to be brave enough to start down that path.. maybe because I’ve been so conditioned after all this time, it’s hard to break out and see things straightforward.
I keep trying to reason with myself or be in denial and it’s hard to let go and go into the unknown. It scares me. That whole devil you know thing…
How did you get through the financial, emotional/potential shame, logistics, etc of it all? And especially with young kids?
P.S. - Please spare me the “why did you have kids with him” as that is neither here nor there at this point. I am trying to figure out what to do in between the heartbreak and letting go of dreams.
Thank you if you read this far..
Comments:
You’ll have a clean house when you get rid of him. If he has 50/50 custody, he will be forced to cook, clean and take care of the kids on his week. You get half the year to yourself
OP replying to that:
I forgot to mention, that I’m terrified they will continue to be ignored when with him, but the big difference is I won’t be there to step in.
I think this is the #1 reason I am still here. I can at least control what is going on with the kids (not like that, hopefully you know what I mean).
I can ensure the kids are taken care of when they’re with me.
And our oldest is obviously the most aware of everything and reports things to me when I’m in the shower (most recently, dad won’t feed us because he’s on the computer).
So I’m quite terrified of not being able to be around my kids all the time like I am now
Some random thoughts that occurred to me while reading it:
It sounds like the guy doesn’t even really want kids.
I feel like a lot of people (perhaps men especially? idk) are like this and just get married and have kids because it’s the socially expected thing to do. Not because they seriously thought about it and studied the issue and independently concluded that it’s something that they definitely wanted for their own sake.
Also perhaps they’re afraid of like… being the weird one out with no family and so they sort of fence sit by having a family so they can tick that box and fit in… but then they put in as little effort as possible in order to get the benefits of not having a family. So they sort of try to get the best of both worlds. (I’m not saying they consciously plan this but perhaps that’s sorta what they’re intuitively doing.)
And I suppose men are able to get away with neglecting their kids more and shrugging the burden off onto women because of traditional gender roles.
Also, it makes me think that it’s unfair that some conservatives attack women for not wanting children (e.g., childless cat lady insult)—especially given that they don’t seem to direct similar energy and passion (and insults) towards the issue of layabout husbands. I guess that might be an indication that they’re biased against women.
He claims he doesn’t know what I like or what to make me for a nice breakfast 2x a year (Mother’s Day & birthday).
Wow. He must be barely putting any effort at all into the relationship in general if he can’t even rouse himself to do socially normal things like that. Especially if she’s asking.
It reminds me of a related phenomenon where guys will just be super passive in a pre-marriage relationship and go like 10+ years without proposing or doing anything much really. And if the woman wanted to get married and have kids, then she ends up disappointed.
He puts forth effort into relationships with other people but refuses to do that with the kids and me.
[…]
He gets angry too easily with the kids
I feel like that aligns with my suspicion that he doesn’t really want kids. It seems like he experiences their existence as an unwelcome imposition, hence the irritability. It reminds me of this from Atlas Shrugged:
He lifted his head with irritation, at the sound of the opening door.
“Don’t bother me, don’t bother me, don’t bother me,” said James Taggart.
I do everything for the kids - teach them, feed them 3x/day + snacks, bathe them, take them to medical appointments, bedtime routine, discipline (nothing crazy), nap times, etc.
I feel like this inequality of domestic labor still persists in a lot of cases despite many women having jobs now too. (Though in this case it sounds like the woman might not have a job, but even for women who do, I think a lot of them do their job + all of this, while the guy does very little by comparison.)
It reminds me of this tweet I saw a while ago:
I can’t seem to get past the financial ruin and upheaval of our kids’ lives to be brave enough to start down that path..
This reminds me of an issue which some men complain about: family courts allegedly being biased in favor of women. That may be the case (I haven’t studied the issue) but I feel like in cases where women forgo a career (and the financial independence that comes with that) to raise kids, it might make sense for them to be able to take enough of the guy’s wealth to continue comfortably supporting themselves and the kids post-divorce. (Disclaimer: I’m just thinking off the top of my head. I’ve barely thought about this issue.)
How did you get through the … emotional/potential shame
I found it surprising that she’s worried about feeling shame. Shouldn’t the deadbeat guy be the one feeling shame? I don’t see any reason for her to feel shame. Unless she means others shaming her (rather than her personally feeling shame).
I forgot to mention, that I’m terrified they will continue to be ignored when with him
Yikes. Speaking of family courts, I guess it’s a bit hard to demonstrate when a parent is neglectful like that (but not neglectful to the point of causing permanent physical harm). Maybe if kids had more choice over which parent they spend time with, then that might help.
I think carving out an exception like this is the only way it could be a good idea.
I think making most forms of nonconsensual recording illegal in general is good. My understanding of the situation she’s discussing is that an illegal recording is inadmissible in court. This also makes sense to me, because otherwise it invites all sorts of questionable stuff we want to avoid. Most of this has to do with police or government overreach. Illegally obtaining evidence through unlawful search, wiretapping, etc.
So I think you would need to carve out a careful and specific exception. An exception for a victim or eyewitness recording an active crime they are witnessing/being subjected to makes the most sense to me. That should probably be admissible. I might be failing to consider more unintended consequences but it is at least worth serious consideration.
2 Likes
https://www.tiktok.com/@saskkiiiiii/video/7580913398561443084
Recording of her being bullied for saying hi in a female voice in a video game.
Idk if it’s just me, but I can’t see the TikTok. Maybe they deleted it.
I put a space in front to get a plain link. Does that work for you now?
Yeah that works. Thanks.
Man, some people (like the guy in that vid) are such jerks. 
I found some of the attempted insults interesting: allegedly not having a husband, not getting married (while friends are), etc. Basically suggesting that if she doesn’t have a husband, then she’s worthless or failed at life.
1 Like
It reminds me of crash test dummies for cars. Apparently they didn’t do female versions of those until recently.
“Shrink it and Pink it” seems pretty derogatory/flippant. I wouldn’t have expected big companies to speak like that about their customers. I thought they’d be more respectful.
I wonder why a big company (like, e.g., Nike) doesn’t take advantage of this by creating a new women-specific shoe and advertising the fact (along with advertising the fact that most other shoes are not as good for women). I imagine it could be a good advertising angle and sell lots. (Nvm, later in the TikTok it says that some big brands apparently have created such shoes recently. I haven’t heard about it.)
The TikTok says: Only 6% of research studies between 2014–2021 focused exclusively on women. (And many major studies don’t look at women at all.)
I found that very interesting because that does make it seem like society is kinda male-first in the sense that people (including scientists/researchers, who are presumably more progressive than average) treat men and the male body as the default/norm and treat women and their bodies as sort of an abnormality or exception or secondary thing/consideration (for lack of a better way of describing it). That’s one way in which society is male-first and biased against women (or what some might call patriarchal or whatever the right word would be) that I hadn’t considered or heard about before when hearing claims that society is patriarchal/male-biased/androcentric/whatever.
Thanks for sharing.
I asked Perplexity and Google’s AI Mode about that 6% stat and for a further breakdown and they both gave the same statistics (though I haven’t checked the sources cited by the LLMs). Here’s Google’s articulation:
Based on a review of over 5,200 sport and exercise science research articles published between 2014 and 2021, the percentages of studies that focused on men, women, or both genders were as follows:
Exclusively on men: 31% of studies
Exclusively on women: 6% of studies
On both genders (mixed-sex cohorts): 63% of studies
[…] Even in the mixed-sex studies, female participants were often underrepresented, making up only 34% of the total participants across all studies in that timeframe.
So, if those stats are true, there’s ~5X more men-specific studies and ~2X more male participants even in the mixed-sex studies! I found the latter particularly surprising since I would’ve thought that mixed-sex studies would be 50/50.