Note this reply is just to disclose some emotional/intuitive responses in case it’s helpful. I don’t really agree with my intuitions here.
My intuitive response was that your response after my reply was rude/dismissive.
You asked for help generally and I tried to be helpful.
Your response seems to be reframing the request in a way which excludes me from being relevant.
My intuition takes the response as dismissive/a brush-off after I tried to help, in particular as it didn’t acknowledge my reply explicitly.
I was briefly angry at first (and it came up a few more times while writing this). I guess part of me taking it as some form of attack and maybe taking it in a social status way.
I feel pretty stupid saying this stuff. Maybe even ashamed. I don’t know what sort of useful response someone could give.
Maybe part my intuition is something like “I want to help but it turns out I’m not good enough”. Disappointment may also be a factor.
I guess I’m taking the reframing a bit personally. I don’t disagree with the reframing or think you should take my attempt at help regardless. I guess I did actually help, just not in the way I intended, because you realised that a clarification was worth adding.
I don’t like having this much emotional response to what seems rationally like a reasonable clarification of your request.
Quotes are from Intuition and Rationality
When intuitions and arguments disagree, initially you don’t know which side is right. You shouldn’t assume you know the conclusion of a debate that hasn’t happened yet. You shouldn’t assume that the intuition is incorrect and that a solution means finding a way to get the intuition to stop complaining.
I think I’ve been leaning on the side of arguing against my intuition in this post. There’s some baseline mindset of “it’s an intuition so it’s wrong”. I think part of that is not really having better words to explain the intuition, as in I’m not convinced that it was rude it’s just my intuition saying so. Partly I think because I don’t want to care very much about rudeness, I don’t like when people (myself included) get get caught up in whether something was rude or not.
You can also question intuitions. You can ask a question and give an intuitive answer. You can consider a hypothetical scenario (or a real one) and give your intuitive opinion about it. Your intuitions can comment on questions or scenarios. If you bring up many questions and scenarios, and figure out your intuitive opinions on them, and write that all down, then you’ll have a list of data points. You can then look for patterns.
Some hypotheticals I’ve gone through:
- If someone else had written my reply, and you had responded in the same way, would I have seen it as rude? Kind of, though I wouldn’t have had an emotional response and might not have stopped to think about it.
- If you hadn’t replied at all what would I think of it? Wouldn’t have cared very much, you don’t response to everything (but that’s not zero caring).
- Would it matter if you had replied with some sort of apology? I don’t think very much so, I don’t think it would change the sense of dismissal.
- Would it matter if you had replied with some sort of appreciative acknowledgement? I think so, I guess my intuition doesn’t mind not successfully helping if at least the attempt is appreciated.
(since this relates to emotional stuff: I am not under the influence of any drugs including caffeine and I’m fairly well rested but possibly had an hour less sleep than ideal, it’s mid morning for me and I’ve been awake for about 3 hours, also some IRL stuff was frustrating and disappointing for me yesterday and that’s an ongoing background issue which I wont be able to resolve for another day at least)