Yeah there’s so many of those (presumably way more than I realize).
One small example I remember from The Fountainhead was Loomis and Simpson being super nervous (too nervous to work properly) with Cameron looming over their shoulder (versus Roark being totally unaffected):
Cameron would enter the drafting room and stand behind Roark for a long time, looking over his shoulder. It was as if his eyes concentrated deliberately on trying to throw the steady hand off its course on the paper. The two other draftsmen [Loomis and Simpson] botched their work from the mere thought of such an apparition standing behind them. Roark did not seem to notice it. He went on, his hand unhurried, he took his time about discarding a blunted pencil and picking out another.
The same kinda idea is in an outtake of The Fountainhead (available in The Early Ayn Rand) via the character of Vesta Dunning (bold added):
She stayed away. And through the fury of her desire for him [Roark] there grew slowly a burning resentment. She found that his absence was a relief. It was a gray relief, but it was comfortable. She felt as if she were returning to a green cow pasture after the white crystal of the north pole. She went to parties with her friends from the theater, she danced, she laughed, she felt insignificant and safe. The relief was not in his absence, but in the disappearance of that feeling of her own importance which his mere presence, even his contempt gave her. Without him, she did not have to look up to herself.
At one point Vesta Dunning rationalizes: "After all, she said to herself, … one could not be a Joan d’Arc all the time.”
I kinda sympathize with Loomis and Simpson and Vesta Dunning here. But at the same time I feel like I would like to be Joan d’Arc all the time (so to speak).
And I imagine this tendency to strain to hold oneself to a higher standard when a boss or mentor is looking over one’s shoulder (and then slouching down to a lower standard when by oneself) is pretty widespread.
I think it’s also an example of not having “full integration and no contradictions” (to use your phrase)—because it involves having different (contradictory?) standards for how one acts by oneself vs when doing something in front of others. I imagine a fully integrated person like Roark wouldn’t have two different standards like that. They’d be Joan d’Arc all the time. Not just when someone is looking over their shoulder.
Yeah, I wonder if this might connect to Goldratt’s TOC. Like perhaps fixing all “those small and subtle ways” might be a waste of time (and too overwhelming to do anyway). Perhaps it’s better to just focus on the bottlenecks and big easy wins that help move one towards one’s goal(s). In which case one could just guiltlessly ignore the “small and subtle” stuff because it doesn’t prevent one from achieving one’s goal.
Yeah, me too. Like being Joan d’Arc all the time.
(Though in order to actually improve my own life. Not just to LARP as a moral hero in my own eyes.)
Oh yeah I forgot about that curi thread. I guess we could create a thread like that on the CF forum. I’ll do that now.
Incidentally, this reminds me of the second-handedness issue. One risk with a learning updates thread is using it as an accountability buddy type thing (like the boss looking over your shoulder type thing). The real benefit would be getting feedback and ideas/tips that one wouldn’t have thought of by oneself.