[Dface] I'm Having Trouble Posting and A Reflection of My Two Months on the Forum

Other
1

Hello, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately, and it’s been hard to fall asleep. I feel generally unwell and idk what’s going on. I want to talk about me posting on CF recently, and what I think I’ve been doing the past two months.

Idk if ive been forcing myself to post on the CF forum cuz when I started again(2 months ago) I felt desperate and wanted to do some changes with my life.

Some changes I made while I posted in the beginning was break up with my gf and move back to my parent’s place. Btw CF did not twist my arm to make these changes.

I wanted something to fall back on when I went back home, but I don’t think CF is something to “fall back on.” That’s like putting too much pressure for it to work and having a different image of what the philosophy and forum is about.

The more I read CF articles and forum posts the more I learned that I think I set myself up for a trap. Like, when I started posting again I was in the old mindset that I have to do CF for my own good. I saw that I was willing to make promises that I didn’t know I wanted to keep.

I learned from the forum post Wanting to Learn Philosophy that wanting philosophy is important, and people can fool themselves into thinking they want philosophy when what they really want is to be better people or they want to want it. Here’s a quote:

I could relate to the quote cuz when I felt desperate to change and wanted to be better, my reasoning became I want to be a better person and CF philosophy will help me improve my life, I want to do CF philosophy. I don’t know if that’s a reasonable thing to say. Wanting to do CF philosophy sounds like a big thing, like I don’t know if the words I used in my reasoning are suitable for what I meant.

I think I may be facing the negative consequences of making myself post idk it’s really hard to say. I also moved back to my parent’s place, and even though I can be left alone here I somehow stress myself out(e.g. too much alone time with my thoughts and pressure to make money for the family). I also noticed that I stop breathing in my sleep and I wake up panicking for air.

I don’t know if I should slow down my posting or post about something less strenuous or something more enjoyable.

2

Assuming you have health insurance, tell your doctor this. It sounds like you should get a sleep study to find out if you have sleep apnea. If you have sleep apnea, a CPAP machine can help.

You should also record yourself (audio) with your phone while you sleep and then listen back to it (or have someone else listen to you while you sleep) to get more information about your breathing patterns while sleeping. It’d be good to be able to tell the doctor things like whether you snore and if so how loudly, or even to play a clip of you gasping for air to the doctor. It’d also be good to know roughly how often you gasp for air (like once a night or 30 times a night).

This may be a physical, medical condition unrelated to anxiety.

What topics might be less strenuous or more enjoyable for you? Is there some problem blocking you from posting about those?

3

Ok for sure.

That’s a good idea. I’ll do it tonight.

Something related to video games, playing instruments, or drawing(e.g. sketch or animations). I dont think I have a whole lot of interests, but when I do those things I notice even when it gets hard I could push through more and enjoy it.

My interests sound silly like it doesnt sound serious enough or methodical enough for a discussion. An example is like I’m fighting the first boss in a souls game idk how to translate that into something interesting or approachable to discuss.

Another thing I think is getting in the way is my mindset. Like, how do you talk about something you enjoy in an objective way? It sounds like emotions are gonna get in the way.

I think it’s easier to discuss stuff I’m starting to learn(e.g. grammar) cuz I don’t feel like an expert so it doesnt feel so bad when messing up.

I think something that stresses me out is thinking about messing up and treating somebody unfairly or wrong. I think some examples are like gaslighting or lying.

I’ve seen users on FI and I think CF that don’t seem to help themselves out of those kinds of situations and they quit. I can’t think of any other advice than, “don’t be an a-hole”. However, it’s just scary to think of doing something messed up and staying stuck. It’s hard for me to talk about this subject cuz I don’t want to excuse bad behavior or try to shield my own bad actions.

4

Have you seen any of my posts about video games? Examples:

Curiosity – Baldur's Gate II Playthrough Notes, Part 1

Curiosity – Learn Super Smash Brothers Melee and Philosophy!

Curiosity – SSBM Training 1: Marth's SH Double Fair

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0m3De1fQzc

Baba Is You

I’ve also posted about animation (motion not character): Creating & Editing Video, Audio & Animation - #17 by Elliot

One of the reasons I don’t post about these topics often is the lack of interest and replies from others. I don’t know why that is.

Whether it’s “serious enough or methodical enough” depends mostly on how you approach a topic, not what topic it is.

5

If you’re basing your fears on other people’s discussions, don’t. People get warnings, pushback, complaints before things are a big deal. Also, there’s often private and past context with people that you haven’t seen.

The serious problems happen when people continue the same behaviors after being asked not to or irrationally argue to defend/justify those behaviors, not as a random, unpredictable accident. This mostly happens when there’s significant hostility underlying the behaviors. Most people are capable of being a jerk, but they limit it with people they like or want to avoid conflict with (e.g. their boss) and are way more of a jerk with people they have animosity towards.

When people have a hostile attitude, they can become like creative adversaries who aren’t initiating force.

I write essays on topics related to forum discussion that are relevant to lots of people. Gaslighting isn’t one of those topics. Lying is widespread but usually isn’t a major problem as long as there is good will not hostility. Lying mostly hurts yourself or people who trust you, not strangers online.

6

Not yet. I’ve some of Baba is you. I’ll check them out

I’ve seen some your animations. I don’t think I get the circle animation at first glance. It looked like you wanted the circle to change a different color but couldnt do it without split it up in different slices. I’ll reread it again.

I see thats fair. Idk when i think about CF I think about science and cool logical arguments like from BOI. I dont know why but those things sound more interesting to read.

That makes sense. I think depends on the person bringing up the topic.

Ok. It doesn’t right to do it in the first place.

Oh ok, so there is more going on when people engage in bad behavior. Like, their situation wouldnt get bad suddenly and just catch off guard.

Thats true I usually dont follow up 100 percent with what people are saying.

Ah ok, it does sound like a thing that people try make seem not as bad or happened accidentally.

Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. I sometimes tell myself, “oh, youre really gonna some gripes with a certain behavior huh?” Like, I could tell Im gonna be hostile about something if pushed back a bit.

Usually I surround myself with people that dont push back much and I can be more “myself” around them

I think a person can have animosity with those their close with cuz they know more of their qualities and stuff that makes them mad.

Ah ok, I’ll read this when I wake back up today

Ok, I don’t know why a topic like that sounds not ok to me cuz it focuses on a negative quality. It makes me think I’m reading it with the subtext of, “tell me about how to not be an a-hole.”

Yeah, I think when convos with people irl they go a lot better when Im not purposely trying to be against them or acting in bad faith.

That’s true, I think lying in public just makes you look untrustworthy and it doesnt hurt other people that dont trust you.

1 Like
7

I noticed more recently that I’ve been trying to write high quality stuff, and I’ve been rewriting what I write out loud. I noticed I sometimes dont vocalize what I write but can not tell if im not using speech to verbalize writing.

I think that stuff just becomes stressful cuz Im trying to be something im not and trying really hard to not mess up and let it show in my writing. It makes writing a post more of a hassle and take up more time.

1 Like
8

You don’t post about those either.

9

Yeah, it sounds all smart and fancy and i dont want to mess up

10

You aren’t ever going to get good at them without messing up.

You can’t just avoid errors somehow. You have to make and correct errors as part of learning.

11

Yeah, thats how it is with most in life.

Yeah, I don’t have an idea how stop errors. I do like messing or making errors sometimes cuz it’s easy to see where to go next or what to focus on.

Some errors sound worse than others. Like, they can keep happening no matter how much they’re tried to get fixed. Like an example is introspection stuff and never getting over hard feelings

12

It seems like im missing a bunch of words when writing. I’ve havent been able to sleep for long lately (i.e. couldnt sleep more than two hours today at a time). I have a sleep study coming up but it’s on the 25th. My sleep has not gotten better.

13

I read the article earlier, and I liked it cuz it made me think that’s what a true gamer. Like they ask questions productively and know how to practice well. I know there’s like spectrum of skill level but that’s what I think the ideal gamer does.

14

My sleep has improved since before, but I have periods where I sleep about 5 hours only.

I had a sleep study bumped up earlier for a few days ago. The results came back and the doctor said i was negative for sleep apnea( i think obstructive). Also negative for central sleep apnea I think.

I already got my vitals checked a few times during ER visits like blood work and oxygen checking. Idk I think what I’m probably dealing with is anxiety. I sometimes feel like it’s very automatic like the emotions and thoughts. I had a feeling this was going to happen when I moved back to my parent’s place. I don’t know what it is cuz it’s very chill here. It just means something to me that I’m still stuck at my parent’s place.

I don’t think I’m prepared to live a more solitary life like I think I desire to talk to others. Like thinking about life stuff and general worries is something hard to handle for me. I think I do better when I’m distracted in other people’s world.

I think I’m going to probably volunteer at a library or something so I can have something to do and I’m not so fixated on every thought and emotion that presents itself to me.

My family keeps bringing up that I should take my anti-depressents again or take meds. I see their worry cuz if I’m making a fuss about my anxiety everyday to them and I can’t handle it alone their solution is to take meds. I don’t know if I should take meds again or not, I don’t have a super clear reason for not taking them. It’s just that I think they don’t let me experience all my thoughts and feelings naturally and I’ve been taking the medicine for so long that I’m not experienced in dealing with general worries and emotions enough.

15

I stopped taking them this February btw.

16

I don’t want to overthink it much, but this is probably an example of being second handed like I find it easier to be around other people than by myself. Maybe being around others allows me to not have to think so much about my circumstances.

I don’t think I have the skills and understanding to live like Howard Roark does. He lives and does things for himself on a regular basis I think.

I think if I deny a lot of of my lifestyle it’s like trying to be something Im not like Im overdoing it with changing my habits and schedule. It reminds me of trying to write high quality stuff exclusively and it becoming too much of a hassle to do.

Before posting and moving back to my parent’s I would have more responsibilities(e.g. chores or job) and would go out a lot more (e.g. meet to new people or out on hang outs). I think I’ll try to resume that life more so I have a better chance to handle myself when alone. Like I can use the benefit of not having to think too much about general worries so I can be ok in the moment and learn more philosphy in the meantime.

17

Hello, I made a post around midnight today to reply to @LMD , and I think I somehow messed up like I gave him the wrong info around the end of the post. I don’t know why I think this, but usually when I do something wrong irl it takes a few hours to realize what bad I did in my head.

Here’s the last part of the post. In case, anyone wants to read it and know what reply I’m referring to:

I think I have like a stress problem in life and when doing CF like when any situation happens that is good and bad I have a hard time judging how well I did or not. It makes me think for hours on end until I feel better about it.

I don’t really think I can exactly make those problems I have into something objective to discuss, but I think I can ask objective questions to get more general info:

Is there anyone in FI/CF that gets too stressed to post? Like they stressed themselves out over little things? I’ll try to look up on my own and see. Also, some self-help books about stress sounds like it could help.

Is it more common to make mistakes and mess up when trying new activities? Like not just on the activities but how well you conduct yourself?(e.g. getting angry too easily or handling your own emotions well or not watching your ego)

I think I got carried away a bit with my tips/advice/whatever I made to @LMD I wish instead of the quoted reply I gave him above I said something like, “Yeah, I did read that. I think my post was referring to the average job that we usually make. I’m sorry I don’t know how to clarify, but I hope my experience with posting helped you a bit.” Even though I wish that to happen, that is not what I ended up saying.